The Beginning of Chemo. Day and Night

Day one:

I had an appointment with a fertility doctor at 11am, planning to get a shot to shut all my hormones down, to try to preserve what I have. It'd be a shot once a month, until I was off the chemo, that keeps everything quiet and just adds an extra level of protection.

Just before the nurse walked in, ready to give me this shot, I turn and look at my mom asking if this is the right thing for me to do. See, my thinking is this: God doesn't just have ones body's hormones shut off. Not at the age of 19 or 20, yes, they shut off, when older, called menopause, but not at a young age. To me, that is just not natural or normal. So, I decided to not get the shot. I figured if God will allow me to have kids, as much as I want them, and boy do I want them, then He'll make it happen. If not, I can adopt, like I've always planned and had the desire to as well.

Next, we moved onto the blood draw before chemo at 12pm. That was kind of painful, just the way they drew the needle in, finding the vein and extracting the needle.

Then we went up to the pharmacy to see the guys who work there because they can give lots of laughs and cheer up ones days, got some lunch, and then went to sign into infusion at 1pm, waited for about a half hour, and then the process really started.

First, the nurse I had wanted to put an IV in my arm, between my wrist and elbow, so that it isn’t in a crook where it would bend, making it easier for them, and for me. Well, first off, I am a hard draw for the most part, and usually, they really can’t get that vein that the nurse wanted to get. Well boy, was I wrong! First try, she got it, barely hurt and everything! Next the pre-meds were started, taking anti-nausea pills, and then getting an IV that lasts 48hrs! Praise the Lord! After the pre-meds, they pumped me with fluids to keep me hydrated, and then started the first cocktail.

ADRIAMYCIN:

CARTOON DIAGRAM OF TWO DOXORUBICIN MOLECULES INTERCALATING DNA

They started off with 70mg of
Adriamycin, the specific type that it is a cytotoxic antibiotics, interacts with DNA by intercalation and inhibition of macromolecular biosynthesis This inhibits the progression of the enzyme topoisomerase II, which relaxes supercoils in DNA for transcription. Doxorubicin stabilizes the topoisomerase II complex after it has broken the DNA chain for replication, preventing the DNA double helix from being resealed and thereby stopping the process of replication. The only downsides to this drug is it can cause heart damage if using more than 550 mg, and it causes palmar plantar erythrodysesthesia (PPE). PPE can cause holes in the arms and legs if the drugs touch the skin directly, which is why the medicine is administered on sight, through a syringe, rather than a drip line. The side effects that are almost immediate are nausea and when taking the nausea medicine, causes restlessness, and finally, hair loss.

CISPLATIN:
They continued with an hour of fluids, and then an hour of my next cocktail, cisplatin. Cisplatin is an alkylating agent; their ability to alkylate many molecules, including proteins, RNA and DNA. This ability to bind covalently to DNA via their alkyl group is the primary cause for their anti-cancer effects. DNA is made of two strands and the molecules may either bind twice to one strand of DNA (intrastrand crosslink) or may bind once to both strands (interstrand crosslink) reacts in vivo, binding to and causing crosslinking of DNA, which ultimately triggers apoptosis (programmed cell death). Nerve damage, nausea, and a ringing in the ears of high pitched sounds are side effects that happen immediately. After the cisplatin is given, I have two hours of fluid afterwards again.

INTERFERON:

Next, I’m given interferon, which is given in the fatty part of my stomach, or the back of my arm, just a quick injection. They allow for communication between cells to trigger the protective defenses of the immune system that eradicate pathogens or tumors. Basically, they target the rapidly dividing cells, which is good because they target the tumor/bad cells, but they also target the good cells in our body. So with this, I am more susceptible to getting infections. Along with infections are mouth sores that are side effects while on the medicine.

FLUOROURACIL:

Fluorouracil or more commonly known as 5-FU is an anti-metabolite. Anti-metabolites are a group of molecules that impede DNA and RNA synthesis. Many of them have a similar structure to the building blocks of DNA and RNA. The building blocks are nucleotides; a molecule comprising a nucleobase, a sugar and a phosphate group. The nucleobases are divided into purines (guanine and adenine) and pyrimidines (cytosine, thymine and uracil). Nausea is one of the only side effect that happens immediately.




I am given all four of these drugs on the first day, and then the last three drugs days 2, 3, and 4. Afterwards, I am off for 3 weeks, and then the cycle repeats for 6 months straight.

Yesterday being my first day of chemotherapy went fine and I felt fine up until around midnight when I tried to fall asleep and that took a while, giving me hot flashes and being freezing. Finally falling asleep for only a few hours, I was woken up at 3 to have to go to the bathroom, about every 20 minutes, along with a headache, and restlessness that I couldn’t figure out why, until my doctor saw me today and told me that the anti-nausea medicine causes restlessness. So for an hour of trying to fall asleep, thinking it really had been about 2 hours, at least, around 4am, I took a hot shower and soaked in the tub for a while and then headed back to bed. By 5 or 5:30am, I was sound asleep, until 7:30 when my sister was up getting ready for work, and my mom was up also. But now, I feel good.

Day two of chemo:

I had my cisplatin, with an hour of fluids before, the cisplatin for an hour, and two hours of fluids after, my interferon, given in the fatty part of my stomach, just a 2 minute shot, and then my 5-FU for 15 minutes. All together it’s a 5 hour day, versus yesterday which was a 9 hour day!

Today, unlike yesterday, we won’t be leaving the hospital when the nurses are walking out at 9pm.

My Playlist

Everyone has playlists on their iPods, iPhones, etc. And so do I. I have many playlists; country music, a specific few albums, Christian music, movie album music, new music, purchased music, and a playlist called TACE, for my TACE procedures that I had in June and July. I have a new added playlist, called ‘Cancer’.

Here is the list of the songs in my list and the reasons why I have added them.

NOTE: All of these songs, except for no. 1, are all specifically about cancer

No. 1 – Iridescent by Linkin Park

I chose this song because my friend, a senior at this time, was in dance and was preparing a senior solo. I originally thought she was doing a song that she fell in love with the previous year, but she told me changed it and told me she was dedicating it for me. It touched my heart and has great meaning for me, especially when it says, ‘In a burst of light that blinded every angel / As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars / You felt the gravity of tempered grace.’ And after I received the latest news about my tumors inside and outside of my liver, this part of the lyrics described exactly how I felt, ‘Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? / You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known.’

No. 2 – Fight Like a Girl by Bomshel

This song has great meaning to me, not only because it is a song specifically about cancer, and to a woman, but it talks about a woman fighting from a very young age and her mother giving her advice to be strong and fight for what she believes in; this song describes me as a young girl. The part that says, ‘When te doctor said, the cancer spread,’ it reminds me of when my doctor jut recently told me that my cancer metastasized not only in my liver, but also outside of my liver. Then later in the same verse it says, ‘And says, this is just another test God gave me,’ it makes me think about God testing me asking if I really am ok with having cancer, asking me, ‘are you really okay with having caner? Really? Or are you just putting on a face for the world?’

No. 3 – Tough by Craig Morgan

This song is in the perspective of a man looking at his wife, and women as a whole saying that they are tough, and he now that he sees what women do and put up with, he realizes that they are so strong and tough. ‘No room for fear, full of faith / Hands held high singing Amazing Grace / Never once complained, refusing to give up.’ This is the mentality that I’ve had really though this whole thing. I’m honestly not scared, because I know this is how it is supposed to be. God didn’t give me this, He didn’t simply let it happen and ‘ruin’ my life, He’s using it to make me stronger, draw me closer to Him and shine His light through it all.

No. 4 – Save You by Simple Plan

This song was told me by my same friend that dedicated her senior solo song, Iridescent by Linkin Park, and at first, I thought she was talking about a completely different topic rather than me, and she then told me it was how she felt about me and having cancer and when I re-listened to the song and the part, ‘You’ll never know the way it tears me up inside to you see / I wish I could tell you something / To take it all away.’ When I found out why the song was written and it was written about Pierre Bouvier’s brother’s battle with cancer. He talks about how his brother went through a two year battle with cancer and he went through numerous chemo treatments, along with a bone marrow transplant and how he (Pierre) felt powerless in throughout the entire situation.

No. 5 – The Remedy (I Won’t Worry) Jason Mraz

I added this song to this playlist after I originally found out that the report didn’t look too good, even though we didn’t have the full, hard read results. This song is dedicated to Jason Mraz’s friend who was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago. The chorus, ‘If you’ve got the poison / I’ve got the remedy / The remedy is the experience / It is a dangerous liaison / I say the comedy is that its serious / Which is a strange enough new play on words / I say the tragedy is how you’re gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on / So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end / I won’t worry my life away / I won’t worry my life away,’ really gets to me and explains that you shouldn't worry your life away and live it to the fullest no matter the results and outcome. When it says, ‘If you’ve got the poison / I’ve got the remedy,’ it doesn’t specifically say who has the remedy, but for me, it means that everyone who is supporting me and helping me through this, though overall, God has the remedy.

No. 6 – Ronan by Taylor Swift

This song is about a little boy, 3 years old, who ends up getting cancer, but dies in the end. I added this playlist because it’s how a mother feels about her son having cancer and how she feels after he passes away and how the mother remembers all these things and how she wants to take him away and she knows that she couldn’t save him, and she realizes that there isn’t a miracle that could have saved him, but the miracle was the fact that she got to spend time with him for just a brief moment in time.

 

No. 7 – Cancer by My Chemical Romance

This song, instead of being a hope and desire, is the exact opposite. It’s a prayer and hope of what I won’t become. The lyrics, ‘Now turn away / Cause I'm awful just to see / Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body.’ It’s something that I am striving to not become. I am so terrified of all of the horrible effects of chemotherapy, only because I don’t want to see the hurt in all my family, friends and everyone else’s eyes.

No. 8 – I’m Gonna Love You through It by Martina McBride

This song is the beginnings of what I am beginning to see my boyfriend act like because of my cancer. I see him trying to take the burden away from me and keep me positive and distracted enough to make it through all of this, and not letting me do this alone. ‘He said, "I know that you’re afraid and I am, too / But you’ll never be alone, I promise you" / When you’re weak, I’ll be strong / When you let go, I’ll hold on / When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes / When you feel lost and scared to death, / Like you can’t take one more step / Just take my hand, together we can do it / I’m gonna love you through it.’ This portion of the song describes exactly his demeanor, actions and words he says to me when bad things happen. I am so thankful that God brought him into my life.

No. 9 – Skin by Rascal Flatts

This song is about a high school girl that gets leukemia, goes through chemo, loses her hair, and doesn’t think of going to prom or finding her true love, but she ends up getting a wig, going to the prom, and seeing the boy that she loves, shave his head for her. This song relates to me, because she is young, just as I am.

No. 10 – Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw

This song, since I was little, I have always sung and never really realized that it was about cancer. I knew it was about a man that was sick, but I didn’t know specifically about cancer.  I have always wanted to perfect the song and it makes me want to do everything that I want and live my life to the fullest, because God has blessed me and made me able to do those things.

Am I okay, really?

Over a coffee with a very dear friend of mine, who is practically my younger sister, we were trying to figure out some topics that I could blog and talk about and she finally came up with, ‘Why I’m so okay with having cancer,’ and she was so boggled as to why from the very beginning as to why I really was okay with having cancer. Her exact reply to me always being okay with cancer was, 'I was really pissed.' Early after being healed for a few months, I shared my testimony with my college group back in New York, and later at the night service of our church. As I was running by what I was going to say to a friend of mine, without thinking about what I was specifically saying, I spat out, “I’m okay with having cancer,” and continued with my testimony and my friend stopped me and had me repeat what I said and go into further explanation of what I meant. Not only am I okay with having cancer, but I’m perfectly fine with having cancer. And having this come back so aggressively, so soon, is a test from God asking me if I truly am okay with this. And I am. Yes it’s hard having cancer, yes it’s frustrating, and discouraging and a disappointment getting upsetting news, but first of all, I know that God won’t give me something that is too much for me to handle, and second, I know that I am strong enough, physically, emotionally and spiritually, to face this. Yes, I may have cancer, but my liver, as a whole, functions correctly. My liver isn’t scarred, or has hepatitis or cirrhosis or anything that is harmful, it works just like it’s supposed to; it just has tumors inside of it. My dear friend that thought of this specific post idea told me that she was so frustrated and confused with why I was okay with having cancer. There are multiple reasons why I’m okay with having cancer, yes, because I’m strong enough, but mainly, it’s because I know that this is part of God’s big plan, not only for me, but for everyone around me, and that even if I have to go through all this, yes, I have people I can lean on and rely on, but I have God always. If my mom is sleeping and I don’t want to wake her, or she’s out or my friends can’t talk at the moment, I always have God who will listen with an open and understanding ear. I also know that even if I am not healed of this disease here on earth, I know, through all my heart and mind, that I am healed in Heaven, to His perfection, just how He wanted it to be.

Questions

Here are some questions some friends or family have asked me about my cancer or in general, more questions are always appreciated though!

What are you most concerned about when it comes to you having to do chemo?

At first I was most concerned about losing my hair, but then, I met someone in Michigan who willingly cut her braids off, donated them, and then proceeded to shave her head clean. And why? As a big hoorah for her 19^th birthday! I couldn’t believe it! Then my doctor told me that the drugs weren’t going to take my hair, but either if it does, I’m not too concerned. The thing I’m most concerned about now is how I’ll react to the treatments and if they’ll work right away or not

How is your treatment going so far?

My treatment is stopped because I’m switching my treatment from a TACE procedure to systemic chemotherapy through an I.V.

Will you stay in Michigan over the next three months while crushing the tumors?

I will stay in Michigan for the next three months, only because it would be hard to travel back and forth when I need a treatment once a week for three months straight.

Did they tell you how long the genetic decoding will take for the tumor?

My doctor said that the genetic coding will take a few weeks at the most, but I’ll already be having chemo, and the coding, if it shows anything that a specific drug will work, they’ll add that into what I’m taking.

How aggressive is your chemo going to be? Will you get sick; loose your hair, etc?

I don’t know how aggressive my chemo will be, only because, as my doctor said to me, I’m a unique person and case, so I don’t really know. The drugs may make me sick, but it all depends how my body takes to them. I shouldn’t lose my hair, if I did it would be because the chemo being put into my body was a stronger dose, but my doctor assured me that it wouldn’t be that strong; at least not yet.

How do you feel after having your chemo? And how are you feeling?
 

After my first TACE procedure, I was pretty worn out for a week, and slowly regained my strength and stamina and ability to go and do things. After my second TACE procedure, since I was used to it, after about the 2^nd or 3^rd day, I would go out, although, I also relapsed because it was too soon for me to do that. I don’t know how I’ll respond to this new type of chemo. We shall see.

How do I feel now? Honestly, I feel numb, hollow and confused. I’ve always been so positive, and every time, my positivity gets me nowhere. So it’s frustrating being positive all the time but getting results you weren’t hoping for at all.

What kind of warrior do you see yourself as?

I don’t really know what kind of warrior I see myself as yet. I see myself growing into being a stronger person, and learning to trust that everything will work out and that this, for some reason, is all part of God’s plan for me and that He will use this to His advantage, whether it be to help people draw closer to God, help cancer patients, help the families of cancer patients, or whatever He has planned.

When you have to go back?? Is there anything I can do?

I will leave sometime this weekend, either Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

The only thing I can think of is to pray. Pray, not only for me, but for my mom who constantly travels with me, but also for my dad who remains here due to work, and also my sister as she shares this burden.

Can you get a liver transplant, or does it not work that way?
 

Right now I can’t get a liver transplant only because they’re not sure that my liver is producing the tumors, so if they took my liver out and it was producing tumors, it could be producing them from the arteries and such, and in a way would be pointless.

How has having cancer affected your relationship with God?
 

It’s definitely made me stronger in my relationship with God. Trusting and relying on God more, and praying a whole lot more about anything.

To lighten up the mood, what is your favorite dessert / type of junk food / flavor of ice cream?

My favorite dessert is probably my mom’s pizza cookie dough cake.

My favorite type of junk food is snickers bars or York peppermint patties.

My favorite flavor of ice cream is chocolate or chocolate fudge brownie; but I like mango sorbet better than ice cream.